Watch out for Wa[s]ps

 One of the lovely things about our new bathroom is that we have a bath.  Ember and I quite often have a bath together now (which really wasn't possible in the old paddling-pool-in-the-bottom-of-the-shower setup!)  It's one of my favourite times of day, because Ember and I always have fantastic conversations spanning all sorts of topics.

This evening in the bath, the conversation turned to bees...

Em: If you hurt bees they will sting you ay. You don’t hit bees coz they will sting you ay.

Me: Yes, and what happens if they sting you?

Em: Um, died.  But wops don’t die, ay. Wops will sting and sting and sting you and they nasty wops.  But Shea and... Sebby and Shea... Me and Shea and... Me and Sebby get that wops and make it dead of meat.

Me: Dead of meat?

Em: Yep and it says (high voice) “Oh no, I’m dead of meat and I’m going to just lie here forever. But if Sebby and Ember are in the house, and Shea comes home I will sting him and he will go OWWWWWWW!!” Wops will sting you if you hit them and if you gentle them.  You don't gentle wops.  But I gentle bees. Bees is nice and they got yellow stripes and I gentle them.

Me: Well, you shouldn't touch bees or wasps because they might think you're trying to hurt them and sting you.

Em: Yes! Bees has yellow stripes and they are nice ones.

Me: You shouldn't touch them sweety because they might sting you and that would really hurt.

Em: Ok, I won't touch them.  And I won't hurt you Mummy.

Me: Thanks!

A bit later we got onto her birthday list.  It was going to be a Christmas list, but I pointed out that her birthday came before Christmas.

Em: Um, I want a tractor. And a truck.  Just pretend toy ones, not big ones.
Me: Ok.
Em: And a dinosaur toy!
Me: Right.
Em: And a dass!
Me: A what?
Em: A dass!
Me: I don't know what that is.
Em: It's a dass and it's like a little bird. Or a elephant.
Me: I still don't know what it is.
Em: And I want a shower that goes over the door and the water comes out of.
Me: We've got a shower, there.
Em: No, a little one.
Me: How little?
Em: This little (holding her fingers very slightly apart)
Me: You mean a toy one?  Like for your dolls house?
Em: Yes, and a plastic doll for the shower.

Nana - take your pick!  I think you should get her a dass.

If only her subjects were more obedient...

For some time now I've thought that Ember might be destined for a career in teaching, given her love of telling people what to do and organising things the way she likes them.  However, more recently I suspect that she may be more suited to leading a dictatorship.

For example, every night Ember has either a sandwich or a cracker in bed.  She has them the same way every time, but whoever is entrusted with sandwich or cracker duty has to listen to the whole schpiel before being dismissed. E.G:
Me: Goodnight
Em: But Mummy I'm huuuuuuuungry
Me: Sandwich or cracker?
Em: Ummmm. Cracker. NO WAIT! (pause) Sandwich.
Me: OK (go to leave)
Em: No, wait! I got to tell you!
Me: I know what you want.
Em: No, stop Mummy, listen to my words that I'm saying to you.
Me: Fine...
Em: I want a sandwich with 40 butter and the whole sandwich -
Me: (heading for the door) yep, I know...
Em: Stop! I need to tell you! I want a sandwich with the whole sandwich and the whole butter, 50 butter and the sandwich like THAT (claps hands together).
Me: (staying, waiting)
Em: Like THAT (clap. Long pause) That's all! Go and get my sandwich now ok!

This evening she was playing with my iPad and went into the DrawSomething app.  She managed to buy a new colour pack (shades of green, surprise, surprise) and kept calling me over to show me as she drew with each one.  I was trying to do some work, but went to look each time (the things we do).  The last time I thought I may as well stay...
Em: Mummy look! I got another green! I like new colours they are fun and fun and fun.  That's my job, getting new colours.  Look what I drawed!
Me: (coming over) That looks cool.  I like the colours.
(I sit down next to her. She looks at me for a moment then points at the computer...)

Em: Will you go and work now over there please?

It's nice to feel appreciated...

Thankfully it does seem to work the other way sometimes too.  I was explaining why I wasn't going to get Ember a chocolate milk when we stopped for petrol, and on the brink of a tantrum Ember stopped herself and said: "Ok Mummy, I'll listen to your words."

The Trampoline Song

Ember and I were on the trampoline (it's a Springfree model, which I can highly recommend!) this afternoon, jumping together while holding hands (yes, this is what we do). Ember started singing an original song, which she was also able to repeat later on request. It's not quite the same without the tune, but these were the lyrics:

Em: Mummy is a grown up
And I'm nearly a grown up
And I'll be a big girl like Mummy
And daddies will break the trampoline
And Hannahs doesn't break the trampoline
And Hannah is a big girl too.
Tabasco jumps up super really higher
And Pocoyo is my cat.

I think it's destined to be a hit!

A cow in cows' clothing

On our way into work/Preschool yesterday morning, we were just about over the boundary into Hamilton when Ember piped up in tones of great excitement from the back seat:

Em: Mummy!  Do you know what I saw?!  There were cows!
Me: Yes, there were!
Em: And the cows were wearing cow coats!
Me: Well, I think that was just the colour of the cows.
Em: No, they was wearing cow coats, they was wearing black and white cow coats because the cows were a bit chilly.
Me: They might have been, but those cows are called Fresians, and their coats are black and white.  I mean, they aren't wearing coats, their hair is just that colour.  Like Tabasco is woolly and apricot coloured.
Em: I has a cow at my green house.  And my cow is a bit chilly so he's wearing a cow suit, I give it to him.  I give him a cow suit because he's a bit chilly Mummy.

Shoot the girls (and make them cry)

We've been up at Nana Jay's house this weekend and had a lovely time.  This evening after arriving back home though, we have had a host of classic Emberisms!

Our local library moves the well-loved, slightly scratched kid's DVDs into the 'free' section, and Ember loves choosing herself a DVD as well as some books when we go to the library.  Last time she chose "The Saddle Club" movie, and decided she wanted to watch it this evening.  There was one bit where two of the girls were busking, doing a little song and dance routine to raise money for the pony club.
Em:  Look, they doing a dance!
Me: Yes, they're busking.
Em: That's a nice dance isn't it?
Me: Yep.
Em: They are clever girls.  Look, here come the people!
Me: Yes.
Em: They will be nice to the girls and watching them dance?
Me: Yes, they might give them some money.
Em: They not going to shoot them?
Me: (laughing) No, they're not!
Em: They going to be nice to them and not shoot them away?

I think (I hope) she means 'shoo' them away :)

Ember was in the bath tonight and I can't remember why but she started talking about royalty...
Em:  I'll be the princess and you can be the... no, I'll be the king... The princess is belongs to the king and... No, Daddy is the king and you can be the queen.
Me: Ok, and are you the princess?
Em: No!
Me: Who are you then?
Em: I'm the people.  And the people will wave the flag.
Me: Oh, is that what the people do?
Em: Yes, at your wedding and the queen marries the king.  The people wave the flag and you be married.

A bit later she grabbed one of her rubber bath ducks and squeezed the water out of it, then put it against her tummy so it sucked on. She thrust her chest out and looked at me and said "Look, I'm a hero!"

One more to share from the other night - we had a tired tantrumy night which switched from screaming and crying to cuddles and apologies every five minutes (literally!)  During one crying session, in which my crime was getting her to put her pyjamas on, she sobbed at me "Mummy, you've completely ruined my day!"  I couldn't help but laugh, although I don't think that helped the situation particularly!

Hannah (Banana, not Montana)

I went back to bed for a rest at lunchtime, being a bit tired after driving Hannah to the airport the previous night (four hour round trip plus stopping time at the airport, arriving home just after midnight).  As usual I had about 3 minutes and 45 seconds of peace before someone came to join me.

Em: What are you doing Mummy?
Me: I'm just trying to have a little sleep sweety.
Em: I need to has a sleep too.
Me: Why don't you go and watch your DVD with daddy?
Em: No, I doesn't got to watch that DVD.
Me: Why not?
Em: I don't like it! I need to have a little sleep, like you Mummy.
(gets up into the bed with much grunting, kicking, shaking the bed etc.  Settles down under covers next to me. Pause, for about 5 seconds).
Em: Why is you tired Mummy?
Me: I had to drive Hannah to the airport last night, and it was a long way so I didn't get home till really late.
Em: Hannah was knocking at the door this morning?
Me: No, that was the courier man.  He had a parcel for Krisia and Sarah in the front house.
Em: Oh.  Where is Hannah? Is she in her bed?
Me: No, she's on an aeroplane.  She's probably nearly in Hong Kong by now.
Em: But why is she in Honko? She needs to be in her room!
Me: No, remember, Hannah has gone back to England now.
Em: But why?
Me: That's her home, it's where she lives.
Em: But I like her!
Me: I know Em, she's going to try to come back and see us again soon, but she lives in England. That's where her mummy and daddy and sisters are.
Em: Hmmph. (gets off the bed and stomps towards the door) She doesn't got to live in Ingerland. Her bed is in her room in Raglan.  She lives in RAGLAN, NOT INGERLAND!

So, Hannah, you've been told!  It does remind me of when we were leaving England to return to New Zealand, and on being told the news, Hannah's little sister Freya said "Well I think that's a rubbish idea!"  Obviously, the MacDoualls need to move here...

Imaginary Sibling

For a long time Ember has been talking about 'my green house'.  It's a convenient little device she uses for things such as:

Em: I had a chocolate egg!
Me: Yum, lucky you.  Did you save me any?
Em: (pause) Yep, I got one for you at my green house.

There are all sorts of things at Ember's green house including babies, dogs, cats, lollies (sweets), cars and aeroplanes.  But the most recent addition to the green house is Ember's big sister, Alicia.  I should point out at this point that Ember is an only child, and I don't know anyone called Alicia, nor can I think of any stories we read or shows she watches that have an 'Alicia' in them.  I can't remember the first context in which Alicia cropped up, but she has occurred in a few conversations now, entirely self-prompted by Ember.
Me: Who's Alicia?
Em: My sister.
Me: I didn't think you had a sister.
Em: Yep, I does, she lives at my green house.
Me: Where did you hear the name Alicia from?
Em: From my sister.
Me: Yes, but where else? Do you know someone else called Alicia? Is there someone at Preschool called Alicia?
Em: Nope.
Me: Where did you get Alicia from then?
Em: From my work. My sister, Alicia.
Me: How old is your sister?
Em: Um. Five.
Me: Does she go to school?
Em: Yep, she goes to Raglan Claba School*
Me: Well where does she live?
Em: In my green house.  She's at my green house now.  We got a cat and a dog, we got two dogs, the girl dog is nice and the boy dog is naughty. The girl dog is called Mella and the boy dog is called Robot.
Me: What about the cat?
Em: The cat is nice. Her name is Flower.

*We live in Raglan, and the Raglan Club has a car the same as ours.  I suspect this is the origin of Alicia's school!

Alicia has come up a few times now, and each time I get the same response to age, school, etc.  I suppose if you can have an invisible friend, why not an invisible sibling?!


Here are a couple of other recent Emberisms worth a mention:

Ember making her two toy cows 'talking' to each other:
Cow 1: I got to go poos
Cow 2: No you doesn't, cows don't do poos, they do milk!

In the bath (playing with a plastic seahorse after having her hair treated for lice (again)):
Em: When I was a baby seahorse, I eated some nitties and they made me get all yucky and I was a pink seahorse.  But I was a green seahorse and the nitties made me yucky and turn pink.  But then the fairy come and she turn me back into a green seahorse again!

A Very Dangerous Spoon

Ember and I were having breakfast in the lounge this morning.  At her request, Ember was having "Seventy rice bubbles with too much milk" sitting in her Winnie the Pooh chair which has a little table attached.  I sat down on the couch behind her, happening to find another teaspoon nestled under a cushion, so I put it next to Ember's chair so I'd remember to take it out to the kitchen.

Em: (finding the other spoon) Who is this spoon?
Me: No-ones
Em: But whose is it? Who is using it?
Me: Nobody, it's a spare one I found on the couch.
Em: Shall I use it?
Me: If you like.
Em:  Ok, I will use this spoon and you can put this one (her spoon) on the couch.
Me: Ok
Em: But be careful, that spoon's been chewed with Ember breath.
Me: What?
Em: I was just using it for my rice bubbles so it's got Ember breath on it.  Don't touch the breath Mummy!

Career goals...

For a while now Ember has said she wants to be a doctor when she grows up.  This has mostly been since her own hospital experiences, and mostly because she wants 'a cool eye machine like Dr Rosser'.  Last time someone asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up she replied "A doctor and a tiger."  Occasionally it has been teacher, which I blame on Nana Jay.

The other day though, she came out with something completely out of the blue on her own when we were sitting in the car waiting for Simon.

Em: When I grows up, I doesn't want to be a doctor any more Mummy.
Me: Oh, ok.  What do you think you want to be instead?
Em: Um, a mummy!
Me: That's a nice idea.  How many children are you going to have?
Em: Um, five!
Me: Boys or girls?
Em: Both.
Me: How many of each are you going to have?
Em: Um, five!
Me: So you're going to have five girls and five boys?
Em: Yep.
Me: So you're going to have ten children all together?
Em: Um, yep!
Me: What are their names going to be?
Em: Robot. And Rosie. Robot's a boy and Rosie's a girl.  And they is friends.  Robot is nice to Rosie.
Me: Ok, what about the others?

With a bit of humming and haa-ing, she eventually came up with the following list of names, entirely on her own - the girls' names were Rosie, Flower, Mella, Maida and Cake, and the boys' names were Robot, Porridge, Roast Beef, Robot Again and Bed.

I think she's going to be very busy!

Warning - contains toilet talk!

Ember toilet-trained a little later than some of her peers, partly because she just didn't show any signs of readiness and partly because she had a pretty major illness in September last year, which I haven't blogged about yet, but might another time.  Anyway, a little while ago I decided enough was enough and while changing Ember's nappy I said "Ugh, that's it! No more nappies!"  Ember looked at me and said "Are there no more nappies Mummy?"  "Uh, yeah, that's right, there are no more nappies." I replied.  "So do you want to put on some knickers?"  I held my breath but she just said "Yep, ok!".

We had accidents all that day, and a couple the next, but with a combination of over-the-top wees celebrations, and jelly bean bribery, by day three she was an expert and we've really had no puddles since.  However, "number twos" have been much more of a struggle.  Like many kids, the idea of sitting on the loo for longer than necessary and putting in the effort required for "twos" didn't appeal to Ember, so she got in the habit of waiting till bedtime when she had a night nappy on.  The added bonus of this (for her) was that once stories were read, the calendar day was 'ticked' and the other sleep delaying tactics exhausted (pun intended), she could then summon an unwilling parent with a cry of 'Mummy, I've got poos!"

Speaking of bribery, there was a great moment in the FourSquare when we were buying a bag of jelly beans as reward for going to the toilet.  A lady behind us in the queue was talking to Ember and said "Ohh, they look nice, can I have one?"  Ember laughed and grabbed them back, saying "no!".  The lady said "They look yummy - what are they?" Ember replied "Poos and wees lollies" which both puzzled and amused all onlookers!

Since bribery worked so well in the initial stages, I've been trying to convince Em to complete her toilet training by promising to buy her the Scooby Doo toy she was desperate to have in a shop a few weeks ago, if she can do poos in the toilet all the time.  We had a couple of successes, and I think at one point she asked "Can I have a Scooby Doo now?"  My reply was something like "Only when there are no more poos in your nappy."  Apparently I should have been more specific as shortly after that she stopped going altogether and lasted nearly a week, despite twice-a-day doses of lactulose for the last three days.  I finally said to her "Please just go poos Ember, you're going to have a really sore tummy!  I don't care if you go on the potty or in your nappy, just go!"  She looked at me all confused and said "But you said poos in nappies wasn't allowed" and I felt like the worst mother in the world!  At least the 'drought was broken' after that.

Anyway, all of that is leading up to a little conversation we had last night, after I came in to change the second nappy of the evening.  Quite often Ember wants something to eat in bed (a habit we accidentally got into and haven't been able to break) and this evening she said to me.

Em: When you finished getting away the poos, you can go and wash your hands and get me a sandwich.

Yes Ma'am!