Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Another Simonism

Simon was looking for his phone this evening as we had both heard it do its 'message chirrup' but couldn't work out where it was.

Me: Shall I ring it?
Si: No, it's ok, I'm sure it will turn up.
Me: I'll ring it.

I ring his phone and it starts buzzing away underneath the television.

Si:  Here it is.  (checks screen) Oh, did you call me?
Me: Uh, yeah - just then!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Bucket of Bolts!

We were all watching television this evening, just before packing the kid off to bed.  I can't remember what I said that started the conversation off as the subsequent conversation wiped everything else from my memory!

Si: (to me) You're a bit odd.
Me: (pointing at Ember) She's a bit odd!
Em: Don't call me a name! I'm not bit odd. (pause) Bucket of bolts!
Me: What?
Em: Bucket of bolts!
Me: Who says that?
Em: Me. It was my voice.
Si: But where did you get it from?
Em: I get my voice in my mouth. From the ----shop (it was a 'something' shop we couldn't quite hear)
Si: From the what? The bucket shop?
Em: No, from the f**k shop.
Me: (quietly dies of laughter in the corner)
Si: Oh, is that right? Is that where voices come from?
Em: Yep, you go in and ask the people and they put it in your mouth and you say 'Hello'.
Si: Right.
Em: Bucket of bolts!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Eff Word...

It comes to most parents, and has come to us too.  Our darling angelic child (erhem) has learned the 'f' word (yes, the one you are thinking of).  I blame Simon and he, while admitting guilt, feels I am not without blame either.  She says it with conviction and perfect, deliberate annunciation,and usually in an appropriate context. It can be very hard not to laugh, but as ignoring it has not erased from Em's vocabulary, I have had to explain that it's not a nice word and we don't say that. It's not entirely worked as yet..!

Some classic instances:

In bed, after I had finished reading stories and was tucking her in.
Em: F**k, f**k, f**k.  I'm just saying f**k to my sheets Mummy.

In the bath the other night, apropos of nothing.
Em: F**k. F**k. F**k.  Spagiddy*. Humbug.

That was one of the times it was very hard not to laugh! (*Spagiddy, emphasis on the 'spag', is how Ember says spaghetti).

Today, in a (mercifully quiet) cafe, after I spilled her fluffy.
Em: Oh f**k. 
Me: Ember.
Em: We don't say f**k, aye Mummy.  We don't say f**k.  I won't say 'f**k' ok Mummy?  I won't say 'f**k'.
Me: No.
Em: It's not nice to say f**k, aye Mummy.
Me: Well stop saying it then!

Bless them. Hmm.

Silly Mummy

We stayed at a friend's house last night and about 10 minutes after settling Ember I popped back in to check on her. She was still awake so I said:

Me: Are you ok sweety?
Em: what Mummy?
Me: are you ok?
Em: yep, I'm ok.

I gave her a quick cuddle, and while I was lying there she said:

Em: are you staying in here for a little bit?
Me: no, I'm going back out to the lounge in a minute.
Em: Mummy, why did you come into my room?
Me: Just to check on you.
Em: well you shouldn't come in when girls are going to sleep, you got to leave them alone or they will wake up and be running around all over the place.
Me: I'm sorry, would you like me to leave you alone?
Em: yes and don't come in.

It's not like normally she doesn't call for me or Si whenever she goes to bed!!

We've recently (almost) mastered potty training and I frequently ask her 'do you need to go to the toilet? Are you sure? Do you want to come and try?' and now frequently get the response "Mummy I already say no, don't ask me five times or six times!". Simon and I have both also been guilty of telling her the same information more than once and been told "you already say that to me you don't need to tell it again!"

I feel she might be a fun teenager... :)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Swimming pools

Ember was in the bath the other night, and I was supposed to be washing her hair.  We had such a great conversation that I had to stop and note it down before I forgot.  It was even better than what I managed to note down, but I think I got the gist of it.

Em: (completely out of the blue) Have we got a swimming pool in our fridge?
Me: ... um... no?
Em: We already did it?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean...
Em: We already use the swimming pool?
Me: We've got a blow-up swimming pool in the cupboard, but we haven't used it yet.  It hasn't been sunny enough, and we don't want to get it out while there's so much building stuff around.
Em: Oh, but please!
Me: Emma's got her swimming pool up, remember? Maybe on the weekend we can go and have a swim in her pool.
Em: Let's go now!
Me: Well, we can't go now.
Em: Why?
Me: It's bed time.  Emma will be in bed.
Em: No, not now, when we get our stuff. We get our stuff and it turns into a puppy and he jumps into my arms and says 'woof woof!'.  And I take him to Toddlers and everyone gentle him and they say "he a nice puppy" and they all love him.

I have no idea.

The Spider Sign

Ember hates wearing shoes, but also objects to walking on the wet, especially if there are actual puddles, or on wet grass.  She wanted to go out on the trampoline one day when it had been raining, but didn't want to walk down the outside stairs.

Em: Do you want to come on the trampoline Mummy?
Me: Yes, ok.
Em: Hug? Hug? Hug? (this is code for 'carry me')
Me: No, I'm not carrying you, you have to walk.
Em: But there's spiders, they going to hurt me!
Me: No they won't, there are a few tiny little spider webs and the spiders are more scared of you than you are of them.
Em: They will! They want to hurt me!
Me: Walk, or I'm not coming on the trampoline
Em: ... ok.

We get out the back door and to the top of the stairs.

Em: Look, there's a sign!  It says "Have hugs because there's spiders and they will hurt you".

Never smile at a... cicada?

We got Ember a springfree trampoline for Xmas, and Ember and I go on it most days (even if the trampoline is wet, just as long as it's not actually raining. Hard.)  The trampoline has a net around it and it seems to be a favourite resting place for cicadas.  I spotted one on the outside of the net this evening and pointed it out to Ember.

Em: (squealing, like a big girl's blouse) What is it?
Me: It's a cicada.
Em: I won't touch it.
Me: You can if you like it won't hurt you.
Em: You do it.

I touch the underside of the cicada through the net, probably annoying it, but it didn't move.

Em: Stop! It doesn't like bouncing!
Me: It's ok, look, it's not moving.
Em: I touch it?
Me: If you want to.
Em: (gets very close but doesn't quite touch it) Eeeee! It's going to hurt me!
Me: No it won't!
Em: No, Ember girls don't like being touched by alligators!